In an exclusive interview with The Teller this Christmas Eve, Mustang Ranch Brothel Resident and Owner, TRIC Executive, Storey County Commissioner, bunkmate to Storey County Planning Commissioner Kris Thompson, all around good guy, and Storey County Savior Lance “The Magnificent” Gilman announced today he was winding down his career at TRIC and transitioning to the next phase of his life.
Recognizing his role as Storey County Commissioner has allowed him to grease the skids for TRIC by lining the pockets of the “Team Storey” players who made it happen, Gilman told The Teller his focus is shifting to the future and establishing his legacy in Storey County.
“When you think of the titans who built “The Richest Place On Earth”, you think of names like Conforte, Beebe, Twain, Fair, and Mackey. I think, if you objectively consider the contributions I have made to this County, these guys haven’t done half of what I have in my 19 short years here on the Comstock,” Santa Gilman said with a twinkle in his eye.
Santa Clause Gilman Is Coming To Town in 2018
“When I bought the McCarren Family sheep ranch in the late 1990’s, I knew I’d be here one day. By selling the last hundred acres at TRIC the other day, I made more money than I could have imagined. Literally. Things are winding down out here and it’s time for me to look at cementing my legacy. Look, I spread a lot of cash around to the folks who run this county to get things done for us. They have done a fantastic job for me here at TRIC. A really, really magnificent job. Huge. Magnificent,” pined Gilman.
Sadly, with all that money I gave them, they couldn’t make my promise to roll back our property taxes a reality. I promised the voters I would roll back property taxes. I ran on that promise and they elected me. Twice. That’s why I’m stepping up where “Team Storey” fell down. In this Christmas Season of Giving, I’m telling your readers today that I’m paying the property taxes for all people living in Storey County in 2018. I’m just that damn generous,” Gilman told The Teller.
The County leaders begged me to buy the Mustang Ranch. They begged me to be a pimp.
“When I moved to Reno nearly twenty years ago, Storey County was dead broke and couldn’t even pay attention. As I stated in my lawsuit against Sheriff Antinoro, The County leaders begged me to buy the Mustang Ranch. They begged me to become a pimp. The county was bankrupt and going to be annexed by Washoe and Carson City Counties; they needed that Mustang Ranch cash. Looking back, I have to tell you, I am really I glad I did. Having the opportunity to make money off the sweat of young women’s backs as they provide a needed service to Northern Nevada men has been the most rewarding move of my career. Today, TRIC is about to sell our last acre and I am transitioning into retirement. I feel it’s time to come through on things I have promised the good people of Storey County,” beamed Santa Gilman.
No Grinch To His District
“We drop a hundred grand every year on community outreach here in my happy little district. Joe Conforte used to give out turkeys around Thanksgiving; what I do takes makes Joe look like a piker.” Gilman was referring to the fact that on the last Friday of every month the women of the Mustang, who Gilman affectionately refers to as “My Ho’s”, provide community “service” to deserving Lockwood and Rainbow Bend River District area seniors. “These men are homebound and alone all month. We give them something to look forward to. For many of them, this is what keeps them going. Making them feel good makes me feel good. I really love giving back to my community like this,” said Gilman with a smile.
That isn’t all Lance “The Magnificent” does for the people of his district. Recently he donated surplus couches after renovating one of his pole dancing rooms at the Mustang to the Lockwood Senior Center. “We were excited to get genuine Mustang Ranch couches for our center. Now that we have steam cleaned them (twice), doused them with ammonia, insect killer, and Fabreze, they’re almost good as new. We love them. They’re so comfy,” a Senior Center volunteer told The Teller.
Gilman’s Lasting Legacy; Washoe County High School Women’s Athletic Programs
“I said it a hundred times before, and it bears repeating today. In 2001 I personally saved the entire Storey County School District by writing a check for Four Hundred Grand. Four Hundy. Large. No Interest. Pay me back whenever. Or never. I did it because I recognize the importance of a good education. The kids who were in first and second grades back then are graduating from Storey County High School today thanks to me. I am so proud to be the one who made their education possible. What an awesome thing. I’m so proud. So very proud,” oozed The Magnificent One.
Hunt a Ho’ and Mo’
“However, when it comes to my legacy, I wanted to outdo what I did for Storey County Schools. I was reflecting on what my girls went through in training for the World Famous “Hunt a Ho” trials. Good conditioning is so important to win the Hunt a Ho competition (You can watch His Magnificence beam with delight as his “Ho’s” get hunted by clicking here),” explained Gilman.
Washoe County provides the workers needed at both Telsa and at the Mustang. Washoe County High School graduates can get one of those coveted $22.00 per hour Tesla GigaFactory jobs. However, as Mr. Magnificent points out, “The young women of Washoe County need to know that if they work hard and apply themselves, they have an opportunity to earn tens of thousands of dollars a month without a bothering with a college degree after they turn 18.”
“I have teamed up with Harvey Weinstein, Bill Cosby, Bill Clinton and Al Franken to donate a million dollars a year to fund girls athletic programs in Washoe County High Schools. Together, we will give back to the community of Northern Nevada while cultivating future generations of Mustang Ranch workers. Talk about a win-win. Magnificent!” gleamed a giddy Gilman.
As we wound down our interview, I could almost hear Santa Lance’s reindeer hooves dancing on the roof. “After I’m gone, future generations will look back with awe and amazement at my brilliant career. They will thank me and thank God I did it all here in Storey County,” “The Magnificent” Gilman misted wistfully.
For those of you in Rio Linda and bunking at 5B and 56 Wild Horse Canyon Drive, the above article is satire. As such, it is protected by the First Amendment of the United States Constitution and The United States Supreme Court thanks in part to Mr. Gilman’s fellow industry mate Larry Flint (see Hustler Magazine v Falwell). Deal with it.