The Storey Teller has learned that retired Fire Chief and brand new business tycoon Gary Hames is executing a brilliant plan to save county taxpayers an estimated $5,000,000 dollars in the current fiscal year 2017-2018.
Starting with his newly privately contracted position of Community Development Director, Hames is requiring all Storey County Community Development employees to quit their jobs, remove themselves from the PERS ranks and join the ranks of his freshly minted company: Battle Born Consulting.
“The brilliance of this move is stunning because of it’s simplicity. We see the taxpayers of Storey County getting behind this 110%.” explained soon to be former County Employee Pat Whitten. “The County will give Battle Born all the vehicles, cell phones, office furniture and fixtures, phone systems, offices, buildings and everything else Battle Born Consulting needs to conduct business under this expanded contract. Since we have already paid for these assets, we can simply transfer them to Battle Born’s personal property asset list. Once we do this, we can start collecting taxes on these assets. This means that not only do we save 5 million on all that retirement and medical insurance, but we can start collecting taxes on the property Storey County Taxpayers have purchased in the past. Back in my Bank of America days, we used to call this a win-win-win-win-win-win situation.”
According to Battle Born Consulting CEO-CFO-CIO-Chief-Fry-Cook-Bottle-Washer Gary Hames, “We are really excited to save Storey County Taxpayers mountains of money with this move. The transition will start in Community Development and will take on other departments incrementally. Our second phase will be the Sheriff’s Office. All the Deputies are super excited to lose their 100% vested PERS accounts and replace them with our Battle Born Special Merit Patch and Spy Code Decoder Ring retirement plan. While the Deputies might only get about half of what they could have gotten upon retirement with PERS, they will have to be employed with Battle Born for a period of 5 years to become 50% vested and ten years to become fully vested. And they get the cool Deputy Decoder Ring. Should they quit before the vesting period, their forfeited funds will be distributed equally among the rest of the employees. Another Win Win Win!”
But it doesn’t stop there…
“All former county employees who were covered by the costly top shelf health insurance will now qualify Medicaid. This will transfer the burden from the few Storey County Taxpayer to the many Federal Taxpayers. Bam! – Win!”, Hames explained.
Local 405 Union Chapter President Joe Mahmah praised the move as well. “Frankly, we have grown weary in recent months of dealing with the 150+ union members in Storey County. They represent a huge burden on our staff and we can’t wait for them to move off our union roster and become at will employees. We agree with Whitten and Hames; Winner Winner Chicken Dinner!“
Austin Osborne noted there may be some reluctance for employees who currently enjoy the cushy benefits and sweet retirement packages to fully embrace the move: “We expect some people to balk at the idea (of leaving Storey County employment) but frankly we don’t really care. Fun Fact: If they don’t like the idea of leaving the employ of Storey County and becoming Battle Born Consulting employees, they can quit. In fact we encourage them to leave. We only want true “Take One For The Team Storey” players to make the transition to “Team Battle Born Consulting” players. We don’t have room on our brand new short bus for crybabies, whiners and trouble makers.”
Commissioner Jack McGuffey added “I know I speak for my fellow County Commissioners when I say while we haven’t really penciled this all the way out, I’m pretty sure this is a good idea.”
The Storey Teller enthusiastically supports the move which represents a potential $ 5,000,000 savings for taxpayers this calendar year. And by stripping county employees of their retirement and all those expensive perks and union protections, they will finally be forced to make it in the real world.
You know, the one where the rest of us live.
We will keep you updated on this spectacular story as it continues to develop!
For those of you who live in Rio Linda and think the above is a factual article, please recalibrate your sarcas-o-meter and read it again.
Fun Actual Fact: In the calendar year 2016, Storey County spent $ 9,230,073 in payroll and an astonishing $ 4,617,684 in retirement and health and benefit perks. That’s 50% of the payroll and as the old blues tune suggests, is “Nice Work if you can get it”…
And On a Very Serious Note….
Our sources close to the Community Development Department confirm that under the direction of Gary Hames and Pat Whitten, plans are indeed underway to move the entire Community Development Department roster into the private employ of the Battle Born Consulting. The plan has employees to be removed from County employ, lose their PERS retirement and health benefits and receive new at will employment contract. Or they can leave.
Those of you who find this un-freaking-believable (like the people at TESLA and SWITCH) are encouraged to contact our “County Management” using the phone numbers and email addresses below.
Tell them The Teller sent you…
Keep your county watchdog hungry – toss him a bone!
Pat Whitten – County Manager
Austin Osborne – Assistant County Manager, Human Resources Manager, Planning Director and whatever else Pat has him doing. Austin has the most hats of any working person in Storey County. Remind me why the planning director isn’t working under this new contractor at the County Development Office? Oh, wait..
Marshall McBride – County Commissioner
Lance Gilman – Brothel Owner, TRIC executive and County Commissioner